Have the words, “I’m not doing enough,” or “I’m failing my kids,” ever crawled into your mind? Lately, these phrases seem to be sneaking in and surprising me, leaving me feeling a bit anxious about “what more” that I can give. Just recently, my family went into quarantine because of some positive COVID results. (And, yes, we are all recovered and doing okay). The three weeks inside our home working as an assistant principal from my laptop computer, taking temperatures and tracking O2 levels, and negotiating with my own children to engage in online learning were, undoubtedly, some of the most complex moments I’ve recently experienced.

The impact of this pandemic shook me in these recent weeks because I watched my son digress rock his body back-and-forth not just during his online learning, but during our discombobulated dinner time and before falling asleep at night. There were days when my son relearned how to find the right temperature with the shower faucet. And when our online shopping order brought a different brand of chicken nuggets, there was a period of five days when the only thing that was consumed was taco shells with refried beans and bowls of oatmeal. His bi-weekly ABA in-home therapy and center programs extinguished leaving me to fill in the necessary gaps with social skills and idioms.

Please hear me, I do consider my family fortunate because our COVID symptoms made a known presence for about 10 days. We experienced fevers, root-pulling fatigue, sharp body aches, and bouts of nausea. Our nights consisted of my son waking-up numerous nights around 2 AM because his over-the-counter ibuprofen wore off and the only thing he could feel was his body screaming. He told me things like, “Mom, my body has a headache.” and “I can’t feel my legs right now.” And when his fever dropped just ever so slightly, Buddy would find any stored energy to zip through the house, playing and laughing just like normal. However, before long, all his energy was zapped, and he would crawl onto the couch for a nap (something I haven’t seen him do since he was 3 years old). Moments like this prompted me to wonder if my kids were drinking enough fluids and if was I doing enough?

And when my daughter started to doze off in her virtual classes and also ask for a break from school so she could take a nap, I finally realized something had to give for the time being: my job. So, we watched loads of movies and cooking shows. We tried new recipes and then took naps wherever the fatigue took over. Many days, my son snoozed with his beloved Aussie dog on her bed in the middle of our family room. My daughter enjoyed more of the comfort of the couch and snuggly blankets with her three drinks within close reach. There were also new life skills developing: Buddy quickly learned how to monitor his O2 levels and his temperature – and proceeded to check both Sissy and my vitals whenever he could. I watched my son as he learned to take care of himself as witnessed in his comments such as, “I need more to drink because my body is weak right now, ” and “I haven’t had my Vitamin C today, Mom,” nudging me as a reminder. And on these days, I secretly wished my kids could just find a book and read all day. What had I not done to invest in their love of reading?

Somewhere between days 9 and 14, all existing house rules were suddenly null-and-void. Either it was the complete fatigue consuming my body or the sheer-lack of not knowing what to do anymore, that the words, “Yes, you can ride your scooter in the house,” came from my mouth. Suddenly Sissy and Buddy glided from one room to another, giggling because they knew they had “won over” their mom. And after those words came from my mouth, other strange things started to get “mom-approved.” For whatever reason, I confirmed to my kids that they could use the permanent markers on shirts of their choice. My son, being the neat and tidy kid that he is, found his bleach-white polo shirt for this new project. My daughter picked out her favorite pink, sparkly shirt for this creative endeavor. They both created lines and rainbows and doodles on their shirts during one of my Zoom meetings. After wondering why the house sat in silence, I turned off my video and muted myself (because, yes, Zoom allows us to gracefully exit like that) my meeting to find both of my kids quietly creating masterpieces (on cardboard – thank goodness) with permanent markers on the floor. In moments such as these, words such as, “I’ve had enough. I can’t anymore,” trickled through me.

Reminding myself – and you – that it is okay to take a break. It’s okay to bend your rules sometimes to allow for the flood of change happening in our world not to envelop you. I believe that while I want so much to be doing more: more 1:1 time with online learning, more silent reading before bedtime, more dedicated time for creativity in our makeshift makerspace in the garage. When so much of the world we live in today is about shifting and pivoting, I believe we are doing enough. I believe, most days, that I am doing enough. However, I’m a mom and I’m human and there are times when it nice to be reminded that, “yes, I am enough.” And, so are you.